Victory In Defeat...

When I walked back in a weight room last week I felt an odd mix of feelings: Excitement at the possibility of a new start and fear...at the possibility of a new start. 

I don't have the best track record when it comes to diet and exercise. Most of my life has been spent in some sort of Yo Yo pattern: Up 10 pounds, Down 15, Up 5, Down 3, Up 10...Etc. and I started to think--what in the HELL is wrong with me?

When I became Primal I PROMISED myself I wouldn't count calories. I PROMISED myself I wouldn't weigh myself every day. I PROMISED myself I wouldn't buy "Goal Clothes" because all of those are triggering and self hating and I just couldn't go there again--however--I didn't think to even TRY...not measuring...not wondering...not holding myself accountable.

I gave that a go. It was wonderful for four months. It felt great. It felt exactly how I wanted it to. It felt free--until it didn't--

I found myself sluggish, uncomfortable, unable to fit into my clothes. It didn't make me feel free anymore. I realized that pendulum had just swung back in the opposite direction and I knew where that path went. I wanted nothing to do with it.

We are not machines. We WILL gain and lose weight. We WILL look different month to month and year to year because we are living and breathing changing blobs of mass. Somehow this brought me incredible comfort--I'm never going to be something unchanging--I am always changing--so I needed to take a big breath and grant myself some grace. 

So do you.

Can I teach you how to get a six pack, how to feed your body properly and efficiently, how to up your mile or fit back into your high school jeans...yes...I can. I can also teach you how to sleep better, how to love yourself more, how to not CARE about your "cellulite, stretch marks, PMS face"...I can teach you how to recover from a +10 month...I can because I've done it myself. 

So now here I am: facing a challenge that I've set for myself. No groups to stay accountable to. No scale to step on. No impossible measure to hold myself too--BUT--a clear plan. A way to see that I'm getting stronger. A way to show up for myself.

I wouldn't be here without the highs and lows--without either pendulum swing--I'm grateful for them but here I am. I feel good--victorious in the defeat.  

Hannah Burkhauser