Wanting What You Don't Want

If you're a woman reading this post I think you'll probably relate. Two months ago I got really scared--horrified--convinced that everything that I thought my life was going toward was going to change in a way I didn't want--

I thought I was pregnant. 

Relate yet? Well this is where it might go a little of the tracks. I was convinced I was pregnant not because I MISSED my period--but because--in the first time in almost a year--I got it. 

Alright let me explain: I got the SKYLA IUD just about a year ago because the PARAGUARD IUD I had was NOT working out. Now let me be clear: this isn't a blog post about the dangers of IUDs--the SKYLA is amazing and I am VERY happy I have it--this is a blog post about not listening to your body. 

When I first got the IUD I was told that my period would most likely be light--or that I MIGHT not even get one--to which I had a HEARTY laugh. My period had been heavy since the day I threw out my underwear for a week in the seventh grade. However--that first month after I got the SKYLA--I really did have light periods. It was amazing. It was the BEST. It was exactly what I was looking for...

Until things got a little out of hand. 

I started working out HARD last June--harder than I ever had--and I started portion controlling every little thing I ate. I eschewed the Primal in lieu of a very strict portion controlled diet. Little by little I started to see results in my body--low and behold my pants became looser, my muscles started to grow, I looked AMAZING in the corset I had to wear on stage every night in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" but then something weird happened--

I stopped having light periods--in fact--I stopped having my period at all.

I didn't think much about it, after all, I had been told that this MIGHT happen. I have to say I was even PLEASED--I mean--who WANTS a period? NO.ONE.

Then the year continued to go on and I continued my regiment--RARELY breaking from my control--I even UPPED it when I gave up ALL alcohol and sugar for 3 months. Now I was REALLY seeing results...

Then last November things sort of came crashing to a halt. I was burned out. I was tired all of the time. I was getting barely any sleep and my skin was out of control. I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and I was sick and TIRED of controlling every damn thing that went into my mouth. 

So I stopped. 

I started eating what I wanted, drinking what I wanted, NOT working out and I quit my high stress job. 

And almost overnight...

I got my period again. 

And I FREAKED the FUCK out. 

Was this cancer? Was this a sign of endometriosis? Am I spotting because I AM pregnant? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...Panic in other words...

But as I stared at the flashing: Not Pregnant sign on the tiny test my husband brought home with him (along with Ramen and a chocolate bar) I realized that the most logical answer was the right one--my body was FED again--and it was WORKING.

I cried and cried. I never realized how much I wanted what I didn't want until I realized how long it had been gone. 

Here's the deal: dieting, working out, lifestyle changes--it's a DELICATE balance--which is why it's SO important to listen to your body and NOTICE the signs. Not getting your period is NEVER a good sign. It means that an adjustment has to be made even if for YOU you think that's halting progress--believe me--it's not. 

Now back to my Primal ways I already see the difference it has made. 

Today when I got my period I smiled--

The balance is right. For now. But I'll always keep listening. 

Hannah Burkhauser